A hard day and some words of wisdom

Today people is what I consider a hard day. I just heard rumblings from the adoption circles that the CCAA took ALL of March to match 2 days worth of files. In 2005 when "the hubby" and I started the process time to referral was 6-8 months and the CCAA was matching a month of files per month. Recently (for the last year to now) the CCAA has slowed the matching to 2 weeks of files per month. That being said, a month to match 2 days leaves many of us waiting with a huge lump in our throats. If it continues the wait may even become longer.

Now, I hate doom and gloom and try to avoid it if at all possible so naturally I looked for any shed of light I could find. This is what I what I have to say. Too many of us on this adoption journey get caught up in the negative. Our thoughts and conversations revolve around the shoulda, coulda, woulda and nevers. What we tend to forget is this... we started this process ( we managed to get though all the paperwork, medicals, home study etc and I'm quite sure more than just me muttered will this ever end!) and we will eventually get to China and have our babies. We need to live in the mean time. Why allow such negative thoughts and words to rob us of this experience? Don't worry about what lies ahead for that too will come in time and work itself out. Live your life today and enjoy every scrap of it. When you do get your baby (and you will) your life will change. Practice on yourself. I say this because when we finally do get Jade I know for a fact this little girl, if I can help it, will not know the word never. She will be positive, self assured and can't will never enter her vocabulary. Why, then, should we be ruled by it? These folks, are my words of wisdom for today.

Culture - A funny little thing

I've always found culture and ritual fascinating. When I was contemplating a degree in Forensic Anthropology I loved all the Social Anthropology electives. I was mesmerized by the idea of how cultures can take the same thing and turn it into something completely different and unique to their own society. Wonder where I'm going with this? Well, there is a significant holiday that occurs during April in China; April 5th to be exact. This holiday is a perfect example of how China 'interprets' a familiar cultural aspect of life and makes it their own. I'm talking about their Ching Ming Festival. For those of you who are not familiar with this festival it revolves around ancestral veneration. Ahh, perhaps we will need a little background information so you can understand Ching Ming better.

O.k. throughout Chinese history family life encompassed elders ( elder generations were and still are the most important members of a family) and these elders received (and still do) great respect. In Chinese culture this elder respect continued even after the elder family members died. Now, its important to note that the Chinese do not distinguish a heaven and hell like we westerners do. The Chinese believe when you die you still exist and therefore still need food and they also believe that the living family members can communicate with the deceased elders or ancestors. Family members do this by way of Ancestral Veneration or Ancestor Worship (not worship as in God worship). They set out food for the ancestors who then eat the food's essence. The reason behind this veneration is to ensure the ancestors (elders) well-being and positive influence. Basically, it helps maintain the family bond; respect,loyalty, honor and keeps memories alive. They look after the ancestors and in return the ancestors look after them (something along the lines of acting as a guardian to help guide living members through their lives). With me so far? Good.

This brings me to Ching Ming which I think is wonderful. I love the whole idea of it and when Jade comes I think I might try to incorporate bits of it into her life.
Ching means pure and clean and Ming means brightness. When combined it means clean and just. Ching Ming was declared a National holiday in 732 A.D. during the Tang Dynasy and Ancestral Veneration is the only tradition unique to China. It is now often referred to as "Spring Remembrance".

What happens during Ching Ming? Well, basically, on this festival day, the Chinese visit the grave markers of their ancestors. It is a day that is totally devoted to ancestor veneration. During the day, family members clean the area(s) around the markers (spring cleaning you might say), add fresh flowers and provide food. Family members eat with the ancestors (a picnic of sorts - some scholars would argue with me over this as they say the food is not for a picnic but instead an offering to the ancestors. To me, its a picnic) There is a whole ritual that surrounds the food offerings (which I won't get into) and during this picnic they bring the ancestors up to date with the family news. Some families will also incorporate setting off firecrackers. The point of this is to scare off any evil spirits that may be lurking and to alert the ancestors of their (the living family's) presence. Some will offer the ancestors paper money and burn incense.

Isn't Ching Ming fascinating? Now, I know some of you think I've lost a brain cell or two by saying I love the idea of Ching Ming but just think about it for a minute. In Western society/culture we associate losing a family member with sorrow and pain. Once they pass on they are gone. Why is this? The Chinese "celebrate" (I'm not saying they don't mourn as they do) family. They believe their ancestors still exist you just can't see them. The ancestors are still "active" in the family's life but reside on a different plain.

See how culture blends itself to become unique within a society? Western society does have a Ching Ming of their own, after all how many times do you go down memory lane starting a conversation with a family member by saying "remember when Aunt so in so did...." but we just let too much sadness and sorrow get in the way. We need to learn, as a society and culture, to celebrate life and family more.

In conclusion, I like the idea of Ching Ming for a number of reasons. I want our bond with Jade to continue after "the hubby" and I are no longer here. I want her to celebrate our family and the memories that we made. I want her to talk to us and tell us what is going on in her life. I want her to continue to share with us. I don't want pain and sorrow to enter into it.

Hope and Faith - Sometimes that's all we have

I confess, I've been following along with a particular adoption blog lately. It is a blog of a darling little baby by the name of Brea Wusterbarth. (Message to "the hubby" if you are starting to read this STOP! It will be too much for your soft heartedness to endure.) Little Brea came home to the USA in October 2006. Since being home she developed a cold which turned into a virus which eventually damaged her heart. She was hospitalized and it was determined that she would need a heart transplant. I don't think I can say anymore but I've included Brea's blog here www.babyjellybeans.com If you have some time I suggest that you follow Brea's journey from China to present day.

I have to admit that Brea's mother has been an inspiration to me and while I'm not a very religious person she has made me "think" quite often. Those on the adoption journey will agree that more often than not it is hope and faith that gets us through and in some cases it is all we have. We all need something to believe in.

Why the long wait?

The 'hubby' was checking out the blog last night and brought it to my attention that I have not posted as much this month compared to last month. I think in a 'nice' way he was telling me to pull up my socks and get back to gabbing so I'm heeding his advice and it occurred to me that a lot of people don't understand why we are waiting so long. I say this because every time someone askes how's the adoption going we say "oh, we have to wait a bit longer" the response is always the same, "Whats taking so long?" Well, here's why.

The wait is so long due to a number of reasons.

One is due to the number of adoption files registered at the CCAA. Remember, China is the preference of the adoption community so there are millions of files being received and logged in EVERY DAY from ALL over the world so its not just the "hubby" and I. When these files are received at the CCAA they are grouped, colour coded and sit on a shelf waiting to be looked at. Basically we have to wait our turn.

Another reason contributing to the long wait is China's economic growth and the standard of living (in some provinces) has improved. This affects the adoption community in three major ways. The first is that people have more money so, if they have a second child, they now have an option, they can afford to pay the Govt fine imposed on them for having the second child. This brings me to the second reason. People abandon less babies so there are less in the orphanages which means a longer wait because there is a larger number of people wanting to adopt than there are babies to go around. The thrid reason for the long wait is that China has realised they will have an uneven gender population. Simply put, there will be a tonne of men but no women (They have all been adopted internationally) therefore the Chinese Govt. has begun an in-country incentive to promote adoption. The result, more Chinese people, because they have more money and want to have a child/children are adopting from their own orphanages therefore less babies available for international adopters. Mind you, I think this is wonderful because if there is a chance that a baby can be adopted into their own culture so be it.

As well, the wait is made that much longer because not all orphanages in China are registerd with the CCAA. The impression of the CCAA is that many of these unregistered orphanages do not want the hassle in filling out the paper work for the CCAA and would rather just leave the babies in the orphanages so they can secure Govt. subsidies as well as their jobs. There is much discussion on "paper-ready babies" lately and apparently the CCAA is currently actively pursuing these orphanages to sign up so that there will be more babies available. This would cut down on the long wait for international adopters.

For me, this last reason is a catch 22 of sorts. It is wonderful news that if these orphanages were to get on board with the CCAA more babies would find homes and the wait would possibly decrease. Now I could leave it at that but anyone who knows me, knows that I have to analyize it. I worry sometimes about this because the orphanages currently signed on with the CCAA have been for years. These orphanages and the babies that reside in them, through international adoption have benefited immenseley. Think about it, every single adoptive couple (and remember they are from all over the world) is required to make a 3,000.00 to 6,0000.00 donation to the orphanage they are adopting from. Now, out of this money the orphanage buys essentials (Fridges, walkers, food, toys, clothing, updated medical care,increases the nanny's pay, washers, dryers and even build new state of the art orphanages - you get the point) So, naturally every baby/child that comes from these orphanages is getting more and more on target developmentally, less health issues due to malnutrition etc. So, I can't help ponder over what the 'new paper ready babies' will be like. We, as adoptive parents will have to take on more responsibility. These babies will be weak, frail and probably sick, developmentally who knows what stage they will be at. (Now, before you get your knickers in a knot I'm not saying that all the babies coming from the familiar orphanages are picture perfect-some are'nt BUT there is a certain predictability on what to expect)The question for me is, do I want some sort of predictability and endure the LONG wait or do I want a speedy pickup and a child with more unpredictability referred to me?

So, now you know the reasons for why we have to wait.

I couldn't resist!

The dog lover that I am just had to post this. Jade, Charlotte (our four year old Chocolate Lab) and Sophie (our 2 year old West Highland White Terrrier) are sending you kisses wherever you may be.

What do I say?

Since the hubby and I have started the adoption journey I've been approached many times by parents on their way to China requesting a list of Chinese phrases to learn so they may "speak" to their precious gifts during their first minutes, hours and days together. Well, I've found a list of the most commonly used phrases and decided to post them here with a link (to hear the correct pronunciation). You'll also notice that there are numbers after each word. These numbers tell you which tone the word is to be spoken in. I suggest you click on the link to see if you can here the tones. Practice and enjoy!

1. You are beautiful - Ni3 zhen1 piao4 liang.
2. You are safe with us - He2 wo3 men zai4 yi4 qi3, hen3 an1 quan2.
3. We are your forever family now - Jin1 hou4, wo3 men jiu4 shi4 ni3 yong3 yuan3 de jia1.
4. Do you want water - Ni3 he1 shui3 ma?
5. Are you thirsty - Ni3 ke3 ma?
6. Are you tired - Ni3 lei4 ma?
7. Do you want to eat - Ni3 xiang3 chi1 dong1 xi ma?
8. Does it hurt - Teng2 ma?
9. Are you hungry - Ni3 e4 ma?
10. Be good! - Guai1 yi4 dianr3!
11. Cheer up - Gao1 xing4 yi4 dianr3.
12. Come over - Lai2!
13. Come to Mom - Dao4 Ma1 Ma zhe4 lai2.
14. Father (Dad)- Ba4 ba
15. Give me the toy - Ba3 wan2 ju4 gei3 wo3.
16. Go potty? (pee, to a small child)- Yao4 niao4 ma?
17. Go potty? (poo, to a small child) - Yao4 la1 ma?
18. Go to Dad - Zhao3 Ba4 Ba qu4!
19. Good boy (girl)!- Ni3 zhen1 guai1!
20. Grandma / Grandmother (dad's mother)- Nai3 Nai3
21. Grandma / Grandmother (mom's mother, northern Chinese vernacular)- Lao3 Lao
22. Grandma / Grandmother (mom's mother, southern Chinese vernacular)- Wai4 Po2
23. Grandpa / Grandfather (dad's dad)- Ye2 Ye
24. Grandpa / Grandfather (mom's dad, southern Chinese vernacular)- Wai4 Gong1
25. Honey - Bao3 bao.
26. I love you - Wo3 ai4 ni3
27. I will come back for you (or I will be back later.) - Wo3 yi4 huir3 jiu4 hui2 lai2.
28. It's OK - Bu2 yao4 jin3 Or Mei2 guan1xi.
29. It's dinner time - Gai1 chi1 fan4 le
30. It's time for bed - Gai1 shui4 jiao4 le.
31. Let's go - Zan2 men zou3 ba Or simply Zou3 ba.
32. Let me pick you up. (Or Pick up)- Rang4 wo3 bao4 bao ni3 Or Bao4 bao.
33. Let's read a book - Zan2 men nian4 shu1 ba
34. Mother (Mom)- Ma1 ma
35. No more crying - Ni3 bie2 ku1 le.
36. No. (not to permit)- Bu4 xing2.
37. No. (to negate)- Bu2 shi4.
38. Pick up the toy - Ba3 wan2 ju4 jian3 qi3 lai2.
39. Put away the toy(s). It's time to eat - Ba3 wan2 ju4 fang4 xia4. Gai1 chi1 fan4 le.
40. Put the toy(s) there - Ba3 wan2 ju4 fang4 zai4 nar4.
41. This is your dad - Zhe4 shi4 ni3 de ba4 ba.
42. Want to go to the bathroom (to an older child)- Xiang2 qu4 ce4 suo3 ma?
43. What do you want to eat - Xiang3 chi1 shen2 me?
44. Teddy Bear - Xiao3 xiong2
45. Yes! (to permit)- Xing2.
46. Yes. (to affirm)- Shi4 (de).

Here is the link to learn the above phrases. http://www.wku.edu/~yuanh/AudioChinese/parent.html

Pre-Referral Illnesses

I found this absolutely hysterical! I read it on the Rumor Queen site and just had to post it.

Symptoms those in the "referral holding pattern" are prone to;

1. CSA - Chair shaped arse - resulting from an inability to move away from the computer - even when sleeping

2. HPO - Hideous Pimple Outbreaks - from excessive quantites of chocolate inhaled at 1/2 hour intervals due to raw nerves

3. APB - Allocation Pattern baldness - from the relentless removal of head hair from the root

4. Bleeding from the ears - From a tendency to repeatedly place fingers in the ears while shouting "la,la,la, I can't hear you" whenever your wait to referral increases

5. PBS - Plump Blimpie Syndrome - the result of #1 and #2 combined

6. RCS - Roller Coaster Stomach - no explaination needed!

The only known cure for these symptoms is a couple of tylenol (or a bottle of wine, your choice) and a referral!