Inspiration can come from the strangest places

Well folks I think I've finally cracked under the pressure of the waiting game; either that or someone, somewhere managed to send me a sign from the unlikeliest of places.

Last night 'the hubby' and I settled down to watch the movie Rocky Balboa. Who would of thought that I would recieve inspiration from the Italian Stallion himself! O.K., you can pick yourself up off the floor now and stop laughing...

Anyhow, in one scene Rocky was having a heart to heart with his son. He was telling his son that it wasn't the beatings he took that made him strong it was the fact that he could take the beatings and still manage to get up and continue to move forward.

Now there was a little gem of information that got me thinking. I've often felt helpless and defeated through this process but perhaps I'm looking at it all wrong. Maybe, I need to pick myself up, dust myself off and do a few victory laps around the adoption ring because no matter how many beatings I've taken so far, I'm still in the ring. So, three cheers to Rocky for helping me realise that I am undefeated!

Stop laughing!

Patiently waiting for an update again

Yup, its that time of month again when people are on the edge of their seats. Some are waiting to see if they are one of the lucky ones that will see their child for the first time while others are waiting to see if they have finally made it in or out of the review room. Then there are those who wait to see if their file is sent to China and there are those who wait for their LID. Lastly, we have those that have just begun the process and are waiting, watching , hoping that they will not have to wait as long as us before them to see their child's face.

What a mixture of excitement, anticipation and frustration each month brings. Yet, its amazing how we preservere, pull up our socks and settle in to wait again. I've learned that it is shear hope that gets us through time and time again.

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be stuck in front of the computer glued to the CCAA site waiting for the date to change, hoping that "the hubby" and I are one step closer to Jade. Donations of chocolate will gladly be accepted to keep me from starving!

The same but different

Yesterday's post entitled "Why do I look different, Mommy" brought a lot of feedback and got me thinking back to my PRIDE days. I remember our Social Worker asked us to consider how our child might feel being 'different'.

At the time my first instinct, like many other of my classmates I'm sure, was to think a child of mine would be the same as if they were biological. Simply put, there would be no difference, nor would they be labelled different and dare the brave individual who would argue otherwise. Boy, I tell you, would they be in for a fight. I thought of myself (and still do) as a fiesty lioness protecting her cubs.
I knew when I looked at Jade I would not see her chinese-ness or different. I would only see my daugther. But what about Jade herself and others around her? How would they see her and feel..

Part of me thought beyond 'myself' for a minute and the next thing I knew I was blurting out that it was o.k. to be different and that it was o.k. to tell the child just this. I don't think my intended message was clearly received because all of a sudden I must have grown 6 heads and turned rainbow colored with bumps and scales. My classmates were staring at me like I was a monster. I swear, all of the oxgyen was swept up into a black hole from the collective gasp of my mates. I was met with a sea of blank stares.

I looked to 'the hubby' to throw me a life raft but he too sat there scratching his head looking perplexed. I realised I was on my own. What did I say that was so wrong? I looked at my mates as they sat staring back at me, mouths agape. I stood there and the first thought that came to mind was to say "umm, excuse me, but has it escaped your notice, but the child you are proposing to adopt will not look like you." I decided NOT to say this as I was afraid I was already close enough to being linched and I really didn't want to upset anyone as that was not my intention. These mates were all wonderful, caring people and many had been through so much to get to this point. But, perhaps I had hit a sore spot with some of them. Too many times I had heard people wishing a child of their own regardless of age, color or race.
They would be no different than their own.

The bottom line is yes, regardless of how you as parents will see them, our children will be different. My point was that people shouldn't be afraid to be different even if it means looking different. I know for a fact that Jade will ask me why does she look different than everyone else. Why would I try to make her believe something that she is not. She is different; she is Chinese and that's o.k. I want her to be proud of herself for who she is and where she came from. I don't want her or someone else trying to make her fit into a mold of what we/they/she thinks she should be. I want her to love herself for who she is and for how she looks. Being different needs to be projected in a POSITIVE light. We, as parents, need to look after our children and to do this we need to tear down these stinky walls that are painted in the stigma that being different or looking different is substandard. If we as parents unknowingly try to pigeon hole our children into 'normal' boxes, how will they ever grow and prosper? You need to shout it from the roof tops that being different is o.k. and wonderful. She should not have to bear that burden of being the 'same.'

Perhaps this is what the Social Worker was getting at. She wanted us to think beyond ourselves for a minute and consider how our children would think/feel about being different and how her world would think of her. More importantly, how were us parents going to deal with our children's feelings and how would we manage this difference.

Yes, without question, these children will be loved, for they are our own, but its how you handle things that sets the stage of whether or not your child is happy, safe, comfortable with themselves and thrive.

We owe it to them and ourselves. Embrace them for everything that they are and for what they represent. They should be cherished. They are different but the same. A wonderful gift.
Do you think I still have 6 heads with scales and bumps?

Why do I look different, Mom?

Why do I look different, Mom? My daughter will ask one day. How come I don't resemble all the kids with whom I play? My hair is inky black and straight, my skin's a different hue. So would you tell me, Mom, why don't I look like you? You're an Oriental flower, I'll tell my darling girl. Your skin and hair and eyes all come from halfway 'round the world. The sun of China warmed your skin to that exquisite shade. Your eyes are China's beauty marks, your hair a silk cascade. The color of a midnight sky, unlighted by a star. So don't think you look different, dear, You look like who you are.

Author unknown

A resilient bunch we are!

The last 4 or 5 months seemed to have brought with it nothing but doom and gloom and I myself admit that I have gotten tangled up in its web many times. Just this morning I made the comment to 'the hubby' that we SHOULD be in the review room by September if all goes well and that we SHOULD know whether or not we've been approved to move on into the(dare I say it) matching room. He replied in a rather bleak tone 'it's going to be a LONG summer'. The first thing that shot out of my mouth (no, not projectile vomit - although sometimes when I see that we might have to wait longer, it almost does) was 'No it won't. Think about it. This month we'll be LID 8 months!' I'm sure 'the hubby' thought I had a couple of screws loose in the 'ole noggin at that point. While I left him to ponder over where exactly I had left my sanity, I realised that when I'm not trying to fight my way out of the nasty spider's web of rumours I hardly notice the wait; actually it has moved along quite fast. Why is that? I've come to learn that we, as adopting parents, are quite a hardy bunch. We take a leap of faith with IA and never give up hoping that things will turn out fine, no matter of the heartache, hardship and red tape, we believe we will be triumphant as we WILL have our baby in the end. IA is not for the faint of heart. You have to withstand a lot of heartache and heartbreak and you know,when you get caught up in the spider's web of IA it can do funny things to you. I've found that in the process thus far, there have been many times that I've temporarily lost sight of my goal and even questioned whether or not I would continue. Its been no secret that 'the hubby' and I have spent many hours discussing our route and have even thought about switching countries. Yet, time and time again I just couldn't let go of China. I needed a clear sign that I was meant to stay on this path.

Just the other day I spoke with a dear aunt of mine who, of course, asked if there was any news on the baby yet. I droaned on about the extended wait and how it be 2-3 years before we are matched. Her reply caught me off guard and in a nanosecond I turned into a raging beast. She had the nerve to ask me if I thought it was really worth it. Rather indignantly, with a hearty snort to emphazise my displeasure I said without a doubt. There it was in black and white. China was where I was meant to be. I had my sign and my answer.

Love endures people and I cannot give up on Jade. We love her too much already.

tough as nails

Babies often travel great distances, sometimes up to 8 hours, to meet their perspective parents. Often, it is a trip that takes place on a bus. For many of these babies it is the first time outside of the orphanage walls. They are bombarded with strange smells, sounds and sights. The orphanages they have left behind most likey have no indoor heating so the babies are bundled in layers upon layers of clothing so that only their little faces are exposed. During this trip the babies are often not fed or changed (remember the bus ride can be up to 8 hours) and many are sick to some extent with colds or will develop colds/respiratory issues soon after. They are confused, over stimulated, tired, hungry and wet.

It's gotcha day and parents are pacing, waiting. The babies arrive and a parental explosion of sorts occurs. Parental emotions run the gammet from crying, laughing, shouting and even to numbness. Their waiting has finally come to an end. All of this electricity is picked up by the babies. One by one names are called and babies are thrust into parents arms. Some babies heads have been shaved (often resembles a buzz cut). I assumed that this was done in some orphanages for health reasons such as to stop the spread of lice, but I have later read that some orphanages do this so that sick babies can be fed and given medications by IV attached through the head. Some babies refuse to look at their parents and are quiet while others cry for their care givers, heatbroken. Some babies can be quite charming, smiling and even giggling at their parents and everyone else around them. The parents don't care. They are happy just to have them in their arms. The babies are brought back to hotel rooms where parents can 'look them over'.

They begin by removing the layers of clothing. It is then that they notice the babies legs are tiny, almost spindle like. The legs and arms have little to no muscle tone. This is the result of a number of things. Chinese culture believes that babies are to be carried. They are NEVER put on the floor. For those in orphanages there are little or often no activities to engage them to develop their muscles. They are left in cribs for hours at a time often seeing the 'nanny' only when it is the scheduled feeding/changing times. There is no stimulation. Some babies develop extended stomachs commonly referred to as buddha bellies yet they are grossly underweight by western standards. This comes from lack of nutrition. Most babies are fed a hot thick bottle and sometimes a rice congee. They can come to you in split pants. The babies have never worn diapers. Many will refuse to eat,drink or mess their new diapers for the first day or so. This is an emotional roller coaster for parents. Baby emotions run the extreme. They will scream, cry, thrash or be expressionless or non responsive. A smile is nowhere to be found. The babies cannot sit up by themselves without help nor can some even hold their heads up on their own. This is termed as 'floppy'. Their fine and gross motor skills are delayed. At this point parents begin to wonder if their child is possibly autistic or has some undiagnosed medical issue. The babies can become easily over stimulated in chaotic situations (large crowds) and some develop tactile issues. (too many unfamiliar sights,sounds and smells for their little minds to process) In earlier adoption years head thrashing and finger gazing were all too common occurances in the babies. Head thrashing was a coping mechanism while finger gazing was a self-stimulation mechanism. They had nothing to look at in the crib except the movement of their fingers. They often gazed at the fingers for hours at a time. Many of these earlier babies had a turned eye. Often it was due to constant finger gazing. (Try it yourself. You'll see that you focus so intently on your fingers that your eyes turn inward). Finally, even though they are a year or more at Gotch'a day they are quite often on the development level and physically resemble a 6 month old.

It is day three and suddenly you see a light at the end of the tunnel. It comes in the form of a little smile, giggle or response to her name being called. All of a sudden she becomes upset if you are out of her sight. She cries and raises her arms to be held. She goes from almost delayed in appearance to making direct eye contact with you. She wants to be held constantly. You see that she can almost sit up by herself. She is starting to look around her environment more. She wants to eat and drink. She is beginning to walk with help and she starts to baby babble. There is more interaction and imitation which is often first witnessed when she blows her first raspberry. She smiles less around strangers and in their presence she will often cling to you for dear life.

This is known as transition behaviour. Up to this point babies are assessing their surroundings while living in self protection mode. As they become introduced to more of the outside world and all it has to offer it helps show them stability and safety. Food is also the key. Better food means better nutrition which equals safety. For the first time in their little lives their needs are being COMPLETELY met. They begin to catch up in their fine and gross motor skills and their social development improves.

Most, if not all of these babies will overcome their delays with good nutrition, stimulating environment and consistant phyiscal contact and attention. Some babies will need short term therapy to catch up.This is what many parents face when meeting and getting to know their babies during the first few days. A little daunting and overwhelming isn't it. Is it worth it? Without a doubt. Not all babies will have every one of these symptoms, instead they will have variations. One thing for certain is that the babies are all tough as nails and are suriviors. The coping mechanisms they learn at such a young age when everyone around them is certain they are so fragile is impressive and amazing. Each and every baby is a blessing.

Thanks, I needed that!

I'm still laughing out loud as I write this but I'll get to that in a minute. People, today is one of those days where you wish you had thrown the alarm clock against the wall, pulled the bed covers over your head, squished down to the bottom of the bed so that you resembled a bunched up blanket under the covers and blissfully slept the day away. Yup, I've had 3 panic attacks already and its not even 1:00. In my desperation I sought refuge. I pulled up one of my favoriate blogs called "Antique Mommy" and happened upon an old post entitled "Gotta Dance". Well, I started to giggle, which turned into a chuckle and finally I was laughing so hard! It is a post about her son who had just recently discovered he liked to dance. What struck me really funny was that her son reminds me so much of 'the hubby" when dancing. It cracked me up! I quote from the Antique Mommy " Sean was doing the stir dance in his car seat like the whitest white boy that ever did a funky white boy dance" That, ladies and gentlemen, is how she described her son's dancing and it is a mirror reflection of 'the hubby's' dancing abilites. Believe me, if you too wish this day had been flushed down the toilet, you need to check out the Antique Mommy blog. (I've included her blog address on the right hand side of Jade's blog) She rocks! Thanks Antique Mommy, I needed that!

To all of you out there, remember, when things get you frazzled you can always rely on the funky chicken and gettin' down with your bad self to pull you through! Keep dancin'.

Babies, Babies Babies and a few ruffled feathers...

Hi everyone,

Today has been a wonderful day in the adoption circles. Referrals have arrived and there are many happy people around the world. If you would like to see some of those happy families please click on my link to the rumor queen site on the bottom right hand side of the blog. On her main page you will see that she has a list of blogs. Go on, check it out - we all need a baby fix!

"The hubby" has had to 'gently' remind me about the power that my pen and words often yield. I do not realise how stong I write and the emotions that I unknowingly stir up..
It looks like I've done it yet again. It seems that I've ruffled more than a few feathers over the last couple of weeks during my rantings of the IA program possibly scaling down in the future. I do apologize for offending/upsetting anyone BUT I can't help the way I feel and see the writing on the wall. ( o.k., so be it, yes the writing is on MY wall and probably not yours) To be honest and fair, we cannot even begin to guess what the CCAA/China has in its plans for the future of IA. I feel (and people this is only my gut instinct here) IA is in for a drastic change. At this point we are seeing less referrals each month and a total reduction in referrals for IA yearly. The CCAA is agressivly pursuing a domestic adoption program, Chinese economic growth has tripled and the CCAA has stated that the IA program will have less babies available to it. Now, interpret that how you like. I hope that China does keep the IA program up and running for a LONG time but those involved with IA cannot ignore that lately, the ground beneath us is becoming increasingly shakey. I'm sure the CCAA will continue IA for a while to come but whether you want to admit it or not it is changing and in a BIG way. What these changes will bring in the future is anyone's guess. The bottom line is that if CCAA does change the adoption program all that matters is that these children get the homes/families they deserve and if that means they find them in their own country rather than through the IA program then who are we to argue? A hard pill to swallow I know but to me the children come first; not us. (this is my personal opinion people, I'm not speaking for everyone!)