The same but different

Yesterday's post entitled "Why do I look different, Mommy" brought a lot of feedback and got me thinking back to my PRIDE days. I remember our Social Worker asked us to consider how our child might feel being 'different'.

At the time my first instinct, like many other of my classmates I'm sure, was to think a child of mine would be the same as if they were biological. Simply put, there would be no difference, nor would they be labelled different and dare the brave individual who would argue otherwise. Boy, I tell you, would they be in for a fight. I thought of myself (and still do) as a fiesty lioness protecting her cubs.
I knew when I looked at Jade I would not see her chinese-ness or different. I would only see my daugther. But what about Jade herself and others around her? How would they see her and feel..

Part of me thought beyond 'myself' for a minute and the next thing I knew I was blurting out that it was o.k. to be different and that it was o.k. to tell the child just this. I don't think my intended message was clearly received because all of a sudden I must have grown 6 heads and turned rainbow colored with bumps and scales. My classmates were staring at me like I was a monster. I swear, all of the oxgyen was swept up into a black hole from the collective gasp of my mates. I was met with a sea of blank stares.

I looked to 'the hubby' to throw me a life raft but he too sat there scratching his head looking perplexed. I realised I was on my own. What did I say that was so wrong? I looked at my mates as they sat staring back at me, mouths agape. I stood there and the first thought that came to mind was to say "umm, excuse me, but has it escaped your notice, but the child you are proposing to adopt will not look like you." I decided NOT to say this as I was afraid I was already close enough to being linched and I really didn't want to upset anyone as that was not my intention. These mates were all wonderful, caring people and many had been through so much to get to this point. But, perhaps I had hit a sore spot with some of them. Too many times I had heard people wishing a child of their own regardless of age, color or race.
They would be no different than their own.

The bottom line is yes, regardless of how you as parents will see them, our children will be different. My point was that people shouldn't be afraid to be different even if it means looking different. I know for a fact that Jade will ask me why does she look different than everyone else. Why would I try to make her believe something that she is not. She is different; she is Chinese and that's o.k. I want her to be proud of herself for who she is and where she came from. I don't want her or someone else trying to make her fit into a mold of what we/they/she thinks she should be. I want her to love herself for who she is and for how she looks. Being different needs to be projected in a POSITIVE light. We, as parents, need to look after our children and to do this we need to tear down these stinky walls that are painted in the stigma that being different or looking different is substandard. If we as parents unknowingly try to pigeon hole our children into 'normal' boxes, how will they ever grow and prosper? You need to shout it from the roof tops that being different is o.k. and wonderful. She should not have to bear that burden of being the 'same.'

Perhaps this is what the Social Worker was getting at. She wanted us to think beyond ourselves for a minute and consider how our children would think/feel about being different and how her world would think of her. More importantly, how were us parents going to deal with our children's feelings and how would we manage this difference.

Yes, without question, these children will be loved, for they are our own, but its how you handle things that sets the stage of whether or not your child is happy, safe, comfortable with themselves and thrive.

We owe it to them and ourselves. Embrace them for everything that they are and for what they represent. They should be cherished. They are different but the same. A wonderful gift.
Do you think I still have 6 heads with scales and bumps?