Foster Care or Orphanage Care and Emotions

what shall it be for Jade and what may Ray and I be faced with in terms of grieving and emotions? This topic has had me wracking my brain for months and I've researched it endlessly.

I've come to learn that the babies can be grouped into two categories;
the first are those that have received orphanage care only. They will be the babies come 'gotcha day' that remind me of a deer caught in headlights. They will show little or no reaction when placed in the arms of a stranger (terrible I know but that's what we are to them). They will often stare, are quiet and in shock. The second category will be those babies that have been in foster care. They will be the ones howling their heads off; screaming and flailing their little bodies around trying to find their caregivers. They are the ones that learned early on through foster care that crying will have their needs met and if they cry long and hard enough their caregivers will come and take them away from the strange smelling/sounding people and back to the comfort they have come to know.The orphanage babies on the other hand have learned that crying is useless as no one comes to sooth them.

Then guilt can enter the equation. I've often wondered how many parents have felt this. When they have a screaming or delayed baby (by delayed I'm referring to the orphanage babies - no outward emotion - not delayed as in there is something wrong with them) in their arms for the first time do they feel a little guilty or apprehensive. I understand that parents have been waiting with anticipation for up to 3 years or more but when you are faced with a baby's tear streaked face, little grief wracked body and questioning eyes, longing for their life as they have grown to know it, wouldn't you, even just a little, question whether or not you were doing the right thing - after all, you may have been waiting for this baby for three years but the baby hasn't been waiting for you. I've been wondering about this as I've read posts where parents are actually dreading 'gotcha day' often expressing their hidden anxiety over taking the babies away from all that they have ever known.

When I dig a little deeper I come to the conclusion that perhaps it really isn't anxiety and guilt as much as it is nerves. Lets look at it for a minute. Everyone, no matter where they live in this world, pretty much goes through the same steps when they adopt, give or take a few added bumps in the road along the way. You decide to adopt, contact the appropriate persons, begin the home study (suffer though it), the paper chase, the approval, translations and finally the file is off to China. Then you wait. You wait for the DTC date(for those of you who are not familiar with China lingo DTC means document to China), then you wait for the LID date (again, China lingo for Log in date). THEN, when you Think you can finally stop holding your breath and breathe again the the first time in about a year you realize you are not out of the woods yet. You now need to watch the CCAA (China Center of Adoption Affairs) website daily for the "The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before...) Those of you not familiar with the CCAA what I'm referring to here is the CCAA has logged in your file but now someone needs to review it with a fine tooth comb to make sure all is peachy keen with them. They may not pass your file though to the matching stage if they have questions and would like more detailed information e.g doctor's note concerning a medical condition etc. All of this and you still have not been "matched". Who in their right mind would not be a basket of nerves by now? O.K, let's move on and say our file has passed the inspection phase and is now in the matching room. What happens next? You guessed it! We wait again. Add to this, financial issues, the hope that nothing changes in your health and wondering what the baby will look like, will she/he be healthy, is she/he being loved, what kind of conditions are they living in, are people being kind to them etc - you get my point.

Finally, the day of all days actually arrives and you are staring at the precious picture you've been waiting to see for YEARS. What happens now is a whirlwind of activity. Rush to the doctor to make sure all is well, contact the agency to let them know you accept the baby, tell family and friends, get the nursery ready (if you haven't already), shop till you drop, pack, re pack, wait again, this time for travel approval and most of all secretly worry -about what- everything.

You know, I've heard people say that everything falls into place when you get that picture but it makes me wonder. To me, I look at it as just another chapter. The waiting and anxiety still continues. It continues when you get on the plane, arrive in China and seems to explode in the hours, minutes and seconds before the 'gotcha moment'. I really don't think that deep down people are questioning whether or not they are doing the right thing. When you first contact the adoption agency you've already made up your mind that it IS the right thing for you. I think every little step in the adoption journey builds up inside of us and when you finally reach the gotcha moment you let it all out and sometimes people confuse this 'emotion' with anxiety or grief/guilt. (I'm not saying ALL people experience this but from my readings it does happen and seems to be more common than I ever would have thought)

What does the road ahead hold for Jade and us, who knows, but I do know I will be uptight, anxious and even a little scared BUT I will NEVER question whether or not I'm doing the right thing - I know I am, how about you?