Imagine this....

For those of you who are not adopting let's play a little game of sorts. I do believe this game of role playing will help you understand the emotions, frustrations and torment those who adopt feel. O.k., like I said, imagine you are me. Youv'e decided to adopt and have chosen China. You are all excited and are bursting to talk about it all the time. I mean excited! Any poor soul that stands still long enough is fair game. I mean so excited about your baby that you would even talk to a stump; you just don't care. Ahhh, but wait, you experience your first emotional crash when you get tangled up with Social Services. They try everything in the book to tempt you out of IA. You, being so excited, will not waiver from China. You've done all your research, have decided that yes, you understand there are risks, are willing to deal with development/attachment issues etc. and your heart is still with China. As this point you get through all of the seamingly endless paper chases, medical appointments, fingerprinting etc and have arrived at your final destination! Your precious file has been sent to China! You have your Log in date! All through the process thus far people are getting excited along with you - for its just like you are pregnant. You are expecting. Everyone gathers around and fusses. They want to buy baby clothes, toys, help pick out names and you get all caught up in it too. With your covenanted LID (log in date) all you have to do now is wait. Some of you forge ahead (even though your wise Social Worker advised against getting too caught up in it - for you never know what could happen - you nod in agreement pretending to understand but in your mind you quickly dismiss her caution) and busily begin 'nesting'. You pick a name, choose and decorate a nursery and fill the closet with pretty, frilly things. Now, all you have to do is wait. Then, emotional crash number two happens. Your agency contacts you to advise that the wait will be a little longer than expected. You are miffed at first but quickly analyse it, hear the parts that you only want and shrug it off. Another couple of months, not too bad you decide. It only means you have a little more time to get ready. In the meantime, people ask when is the baby coming? You respond, "oh, a little bit longer than expected." You are answered with looks of confusion and so begins the replies (which you will soon come to dread) "oh, what's taking so long?" You shrug that off too refusing to get caught up in the negative. You trudge on waiting, still feeling like you are pregnant but not quite as some of the excitment has disappeared. You feel little nagging voices of 'what if' in the back of your mind but you refuse to listen. Then times moves on, people around you begin to ask less and less. Others close to you become pregnant and have their babies. You are excited for them but the little nagging "what if's" and "how come it's taking so long" are presistant and harder to stifle. Times goes on and again your agency contacts you to advise that the wait will likely increase yet again. You can't silence the nagging voices anymore. No one asks at all anymore. Deep down you are heartbroken. You don't understand yourself why this is happening. You no longer feel pregnant. You look at the nursery and feel like crying. You decide that you will look at other options. You explore other countries and you experience the last true emotional crash. Your agency tells you that you are "not allowed" to proceed with an interim adoption while waiting for China. (Imagine for a minute if you and your husband had actually gone through this for 3 years. How would you feel?) I'll tell you how you would feel. You are crushed and angry for all you want is to start a family. Social Services, the CCAA (China) and now your agency all control when and if you get to start a family. You come to the realization that you have no control.
Yet, there is hope. You won't/refuse to give up. You have fought so long for this baby and you will not abandon her. You hang on for dear life.

These are some of the emotions that many, if not, all adopting couples have to work through. I personally listened to my wise social worker and did not buy any baby items nor did I decorate a nursery. I did not allow anyone else to buy baby items either. For me, it would have been too hard if something happened. I'm glad I listened. I hope this has helped you understand.

You know, I often lose patience (and those that know me know that I have no time for stupid idiotic unfeeling people/questions) and have to remind myself that not many individuals realize the depth/emotion this adoption process takes on us. So please, when you do meet someone that is going through the process show some compassion and understanding. It is NOT an easy way to have children as you can see.

Hoping for better days ahead people so lets keep those fingers crossed.